The making of

My younger sister is 14 years old,  just started high school this year. There’s a 12 year age gap between us.

A lot of times i have  backtrack to when i was 14 to kind if put myself in her shoes  we talk about boys, drugs, smoking, the like. Its weird because i just see her as a child, but i remember when i was 14, i still felt “old enough” because i was only 2 years away from 16.

Being at my moms this month (sober) is really eye opening because my mom just clearly does not know how to fix relationships. She is cruel, never says sorry, acts like a child. She has the attitude of “well since you did this to me im going to do it back to you, see how that feels!”

That NEVER works! I used to do the same thing as a kid, and it never resulted in anything good. No results except for deteriorating relationships. My mom might be 50 but she really acts like a child sometimes.

So with that being said,  she cannot keep treating my little sister in a child like manner in the way she does, because my sister is starting to really not care. When you stop caring, you have lost respect for that person, there doesn’t seem to be a need for any sorries, and shes going to continue to rebel and resent her mother just like i do.

Ive grown to realize my mom is no superhero shes also human. Ive found ways to make things work. I hope my little sister does too.

Its just sad when you feel more adult like than your parents. Crazy schizo alcoholic father and stuck in lala land selfish mother.

Ugh.

Thats okay. I know im going to be a super hero.

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Mismatched socks

A bit frustrated with my thoughts, feelings, and pattern in my relationship right now.

As i continue to not drink, rebuild my life and recenter myself, i notice that i put myself on some sort of high horse and become a bitch. I mean, this has seemed to be a pattern with every serious relationship ive ever had. I tend to love myself more, find my partner repulsive, and leave them. Every single one of them

I cant just up and walk away now because im not a damn child anymore, but more importantly were engaged…

Everything becomes more about ME. Fortunately for him ive learned to control that a lot more, but in turn im dusinterested in what he has to say. He says the same things everyday, mentions the same tv show everyday, talks about buying a bulletproof vest for his job everyday… and i just smile, nod, officially have run out of genuine things to say.. i love him and i absolutely cannot ignore him and i always want him to know im always listening and i NEVER want to make him feel like i dont pay attention. However its to the point where im pretendingggggg toooo caaareeee. And im fucking bored

The last two years have been about me way too much, too much drama with me and my dear strong love for vodka. (Its been a month soon baby i miss you) so i am pushing myself aside to focus on him. Im realizing i need to back up, stop thinking about it too much, focus on me foremost but always mind my man. Never ever talk or treat him in a way that makes him feel like hes doing or saying something wrong, because hes not. You just have silly expectations right now, hes still healing too, and if you act like a bitch youll never heal together.

That made me feel better. Im not so frustrated anymore

Done and over with

Well everything I set out to accomplish at my moms i have managed to accomplish, with the exception of a few drinks here and there. I go home this weekend. I interview for my second job next week. My fiance and i can continue to plan our lawncare business.

Im just ready to move on. I love drinking i always will but i think people will always latch on to… omg she drank a couple days ago instead of “she only drank once this week”. Which is fine? I can only assume when people are hoping someone gets “better” they just stop drinking completely. Im sorry but im measuring my own success differently. Drinking all day every day to maybe, MAYBE once a week? I didnt even think THAT was possible.

All in all, now that ive spent a few months being more sober than i have in the past 8 years, i know who i am now and its not weird anymore. Im not scared anymore. Im just.. doing it. Everything seems brand new almost but ive done it before but now i can do it better.

This is gonna be okay. This is going to work out.

Getting it over with

Tomorrow i serve my 2 days, i look forward to getting it over with. 2 days isnt a lot according to people that go regularily but like.. good lord 2 days is 2 too many for me. Im a good fucking person

Amyway, so after that, i go back home to my state and rebuild my life. Go back to work. Sleep with my fiance. Pay my bills. Things like that.

Kind of feeling aloof. Im just here. Im not really ashamed anymore. I can admit by wrong doings and be bigger than my mistakes. Thats all i can do at this point.

I havent told anyone but i think i should get this off my chest.

My mom has a locked liquor cabinet here. I had found a screwdriver and solved that problem quickly.

Thats it

Pandoras box

Ive been gone for a while. I slipped. I dont really have much to say.

A lot of mouth wash and isopropyl alcohol has been consumed. Im lucky im still alive seeing how i was basically in a coma for 2 days.

I moved in with my mom out of state for the month to get my court stuff figured out and serve the rest of my jail time.

It’s been very lonely here.

My fiance and i got into a huge argument and i really dug deep and insulted him in ways i really regret. I mean what i said was horrible. Disgusting of me.

I havent been taking my meds since ive been here. I think its really messing with me. I thought i didnt need them. I get why people in movies stop taking their meds. Before it didnt make sense… you got meds to help you and you stop taking them? Why? I get it now though.

Im really hoping i didnt damage my relationship too much with our argument. We even dug into the fact i nearly cheated on him with a friend i met in rehab. It was a painful situation.

Well thats it

1 week

Well i disappointed everyone last week.

I don’t think im ready to completely be sober. I really like drinking.

Unfortunately, i know i really can’t drink. I know having a “night out” isnt possible. I know moderating my drinking is not possible.

When i think about it, how normal is it to start drinking at 6 am and drink throughout the day AT WORK? Every day??? How normal is that? It became normal to me in order to just function. I would look at everyone around me and wonder how in the world could they walk around, talk, and be people living lives while sober? THAT became abnormal to me. The fact that i lived life like that for years, and im only 26, has really skewed my prrception of life. I have to retrain myself on how to live. Just even to do simple adult tasks. Ive only grocery shopped drunk. I took my eye exams drunk. I go to my dr appointments drunk. I do my bills drunk. I clean the house and cook meals drunk.

I love listening to people and how they say they can drink a lot and “really put it away.” I don’t say anything, because its nothing to be proud of, but i think to myself “can you put away a handle of vodka in a day? Pussy.”

Im so frustrated. I just want to go on a bender right now. Give me like 4 days to drink away quick and then ill have to out of my system for a while.godddfffdddddghjfhfgdhdhd

Sunshine is fine

Tomorrow is my 3 week sober mark.

Its been a weird week for me, lots of using dreams, or dreams about me being back at inpatient. Im trying not to feed into thoughts about drinking. I cant feed the fire because i know it will eventually blow out of control.

However today when i went to buy butter to make holiday cookies, i stopped by the mouth wash to gauge the alcohol percent and price of each kind. Im no stranger to drinking mouthwash, but i haven’t done that in a long time.

I am somewhat fantasizing about it.

I cant buy vodka anymore since i lost my license, and my car, but i have been scheming ways to get it regardless. Plus theres a gas station 10 minutes away that regularily sold to me without presenting my ID. but Its even more difficult to do since everyone and their brother knows im the 26 year old alcoholic in town.

Then i think, is all of that worth it? I mean, do i really want to throw my 3 weeks of sobriety away? This is a huge deal. Do i want to start again, and wonder when the next ending point is? Do i want to continue to disappoint everyone i love, and who loves me?

I spent time with my finance’s parents over the weekend. Typically we would bond over a few drinks, beer and mixers, whatever, but i felt like a serious CHILD when they offered fucking sprite. It is what it is though, and im glad they didn’t drink in front of me. I have to admit though i did raid their bathrooms for mouthwash. I didn’t find any.

Another horrible thing, one of my “traps” that i noticed is this: “if im good, do everything im supposed to do, be sober for 3 months, save money to reinstate my license, get my car back, serve my jail time, i promise ill buy a handle and we will fucking celebrate and have a 3 day binge!!!!” While that is exciting, i know my 3 day binge will turn into months. If i don’t drink myself to death first.

Holidays are coming up and im nervous about the get togethers, because they always involve alcohol. I might have to bring non alcoholic beer to these events. Do they make non alcoholic wine???